Thoughts
Thursday, September 6, 2001 -- 6:13pm
Posted by Bar


I have a million things to write about and not much energy or time to get
down here to my computer to shed with you.  Mostly, I just want to let you
know that we are well - happy that there are only 3 radiation sessions left
and that the weekend is coming and we will be able to sleep-in to a more
normal 7am or so.  Can't wait.....

The most important thing to tell you is that Forrest's AFP has gone down
again to its lowest to date:  19.7.  If I don't sound ecstatic, it's just
that it's still so close but still too far for me to feel relief.  It's
painful to think that we might not get to a good solid zero - a number that
would let me breathe even for a few moments.  There's a reason for all of
this, so I take it all in stride, but I am truly ready to move on from
cancer and begin looking back at this past year as a most remarkable and
powerful time; and a period that is over!

I want to tell you about the lightening that hit so close to our house the
other night that my lights flashed on and the induced energy of the
strike caused one of Forrest's battery-powered toy fire engines to initiate
its siren sequence......  I want to talk about the new Rosie Magazine I
picked up this morning because the cover article is about a mother's love
and her child's cyrebral palsy....  I desperately hoped to find something
there about mother love being where God is....  hoping, hoping that I could
love Forrest back to full health....could Rosie possibly KNOW that??......
I wanted her to.....  and when I opened the magazine, I saw an amazing - and
I mean amazing - photograph of 6 women whose bodies had been forever changed
by one or two mastectomies....  their stories are incredibe, as incredible
as the photograph if not more.....  I want to mention the beautiful monarch
butterfly I saw this afternoon while in a fit of getting-fit and doing some
stretching on our deck.  As I lay on my back, it drifted across my view way
up in the sky - maybe 40 feet off the ground.  Amazing.  Don't they usually
fly closer to earth?.....  was she an omen like perhaps that lightening clap
was?  Am I getting messages, peaceful and powerful, that all is well??  I
think I am.  Forrest is a joy.  He is well.  And his effect on me is deep.

I'll be in touch again when I am better rested.  For now, know that we
thrive despite our weary bones.  Peter's sister Mary is coming tomorrow and
that will be a gift to all of us.

Much love,
Bar

Have I written since we performed my piece over the weekend??  I don't think
so......so, let me only say that we nailed it and it was really great for
me.  I was very proud of Maiya, Katy and Julie who sang with me, and I am on
withdrawal from rehearsing and doing the piece with them.  Hopefully, we'll
have other opportunities to perform it down the road, and I have tentative
thoughts about recording it too......

Too Much to Say
Friday, September 14, 2001 -- 11:47am
Posted by Bar


Like all of you, I am such a mess of emotion, I have not had the clarity to
write.  Even this morning, I am not sure that I do, but I feel strongly that
I must be in touch.  If nothing else, I want you to know that we are ok.
New York is surviving and we will carry on.

Forrest is well too.  He went to school this morning just as he did on
Wednesday morning - with considerable glee.  He knows that there is (or was)
a big fire in New York City and that mommy and daddy and all the grown-ups
are upset.  We were watching the TV in the recovery room on Forrest's last
day of radiation as everything unfolded.  It was and still is surreal.  And
yet it is all real and life is now changed in so many ways.  This morning at
school, sixteen 3 and 4 year olds lit candles so that all of us could mourn
and feel the loss we feel.  They did not completely understand of course,
but I agree with their teacher, Cheryl, that even the little ones need to
express themselves in this way.  Something big is happening, and they need
to share it.  Who knows how they are processing it, but I certainly don't
want Forrest to think that our more solemn selves are somehow mad at him.
At least he knows that everyone is grieving.  I was glad that he knows about
death and is comfortable with it as part of what life is.  He doesn't not
need to know or understand senseless death or death caused by someone else's
hand.  I don't understand it.  How can he?

According to the news, we are all angry in America.  I have to say that
anger has not yet and may never come into my thoughts.I am so shocked and so
sad and so despairing that anger just doesn't fit.  I find myself even
feeling deep sadness for the self-hatred that the hijackers must have had
enough to sacrifice themselves.

I could go on and on like we all could.  The only good thing that has come
out of the week's events for me personally is that my life has new
perspective.  I have not thought about cancer too much, and I haven't
thought about death and Forrest this week....at least not with the same
regularity.  It is, in a strange way, a relief to be thinking about others
even though I am deeply saddened by the extent of their pain.

There is some good news:  Forrest's AFP has gone to 12.3.  It's hard to
rejoice when so much else is going on.  We are also tentative to celebrate
when we still don't know his longterm reality.  But there is cause for
happiness, and indeed I am happy about his ever-improving health.  He is
happy as can be alone at school for the first time.  No seperation anxiety
experienced except by me.

I am thinking about you all and the whole world constantly.  I hope that we
will all continue to feel hope and faith when we have recovered from our
collective shock.  I hope more than anything that we all decide not to live
in fear, and to realize the wonder of freedom and to LIVE it.  Please be in
touch if you have a moment.  Contact is a wonderful thing especially in
these times.

Much love to each of you,
Bar

More News
Friday, September 21, 2001 -- 11:12am
Posted by Bar


Good morning,It's Friday and Forrest is off at school running around and
doing fun stuff with all of his buddies.  I'm sitting at home doing a
million things with the 2 and a half hours that I have to myself.  Wednesday
has come and gone and the news was difficult this week.Forrest's AFP has
risen already to 65.  I guess you could say I wasn't ready for it to go up
quite yet- if ever.  I was so desperately depressed just with the world news
on Wednesday morning, that getting this unexpected rise in his numbers so
soon put me over the edge.  There is some chance that his body is throwing
off a higher AFP because of the radiation.  Supposidly this can happen.  We
cling to that possibility.

Oddly enough, it only took me a few hours to get my hope and comfort back.
I know this sounds strange, but in so many ways we have gotten used to
wrestling with death.  He's been knockin' on our door for some time now, and
after a year+, I've learned to get used to that knocking.  All along this
past year I knew a time would come when we would have to jump off the
medical bandwagon and rely entirely on faith and the will of God or Nature
or however you want to describe it.  It's almost exciting to finally be here
and to still feel tremendous faith in life.  When I look at Forrest's face
and his eyes, especially when he is sleeping, what I see is life.  It hasn't
always been there.  There have been many times that death was right there
beside him and I almost held my breath.  But these days, he IS life.  It's
hard to believe that he might die soon; very hard to believe.  Wednesday
night, as we were getting ready for bed, Forrest was playing with his
stuffed animals that stand 3 feet deep at the foot of the bed.  Out of the
blue, he said, "everybody dies some time".  It was completely out of context
with the game we were playing, but very much on MY mind.  He seems very
comfortable with the thought and I am grateful for his peacefulness.

So, here we are.  Relying on love and on God and on Forrest's will to
survive.  And I KNOW that this is powerful stuff.  It has brought us very
happily this far and it will carry us further.

I hope that you are all feeling somewhat better now.  This whole period of
time has been so difficult.  I will be in touch next week.  Much love and
peace to you all,

bar

Out of the Blue
Monday, September 24, 2001 -- 11:52am
Posted by Bar


Last night, after dinner with some friends, I was putting Forrest in his
carseat, and this is what he said:

"Mommy, am I going to die?"
"Yes"
"When am I going to die?"
"I don't know. Do you know?"
"Hmmmmmm......Friday"
"I hope not!"
"You're going to miss me and I'm going to miss you. Daddy's going to
 miss me and I'm going to miss him too.
(pause) Can we listen to Blue's Clues?"
"Let's do it"

I don't know how he works this stuff out, but I know that his whole tone
during that conversation was so peaceful and so accepting.  It has made the
possiblity of his death so much more manageable for me.  I feel as though he
understands everything on some level and is ok with it.  Amazing.  I am very
much calmed by his closeness with things that are bigger than him......

Much love you all, Bar

Wednesday
Thursday, September 27, 2001 -- 8:47pm
Posted by Bar


Well.  We are finally here.  A time when we must rely exclusively on
miracles, God, Love and all the other wonderful things that have caused
healing over the ages.  Forrest's AFP has gone up to 105, so we are
officially done with medicine.  I have a lot to say,some of which I just
typed and deleted, but I don't have much energy left tonight.  Mostly I
wanted to fill you in and let you know that I'm ok, Forrest is great (full
of health, vitality and joy) and Peter is holding up.  I'll write a bit more
when I have more time.  Now, it's time to go to bed and get rid of this
nasty cold that I have.  Before I head upstairs to sleep, I justed wanted to
remind anyone who is here in upstate New York, that I will be performing on
Saturday night in Woodstock.  Details are on my site (www.BarScott.com).
I am really looking forward to playing.  It will do me a world of good to
sing.  Hope to see some of you.  Sorry to be so brief with such difficult
news, but there's so much to say and I just don't have focus tonight.....  I
didn't want to keep you waiting any longer so I thought I'd at least give
you that detail....Mostly I want to communicate that I have this unexpected
sense of calm and relief.  I don't know where it comes from, but I feel a
confidence that I have not felt before and I am not grieving at all.  In
fact I feel downright hopeful that Forrest will ultimately prevail.  I tell
you this because once again I will need your strength and hopefulness in
order to maintain my own.  Perhaps I can explain my self better in another,
later e-mail.
Much love to you all,Bar