Subject: Hello again...it's been a while
Date:  Sunday, April 6, 2008 -- 11:55am
Posted By: Bar

Sunday April 6, 2008

I think about dropping in for an email visit with you all so often,  
but then I think about how many millions of emails we all get and  
decide one more is just too many. Today, though, I can't resist.  
There's something about Sunday mornings and the quiet that we have up  
here in the mountains that makes me want to write. I just got back  
from an hour-long walk and once again, I got to thinking about you  
and wanting to check in and tell you a bit about what's happening.

Since I left Ocean Grove in November (was it really 4 months ago?)  
I've been writing more and more and am slowly at a place where I can  
show bits and pieces of my project to a few people. My writing group  
meets once a week (ostensibly) but winter weather, the flu, trips to  
sunny places and everyone's insanely busy schedules has meant we've  
only met 7 times in the last four months. I still try to get at least  
one section done every week as though we're going to meet. When we  
don't at the last minute I feel like at least I got something done.

The thing that's on my mind this morning is that I am getting some  
really sweet feedback from everybody, but I'm also getting to the  
stage where excellent writers are telling me what they need more of.  
And the thing they need more of is Forrest. The stories and my  
telling of them are working great for everybody, but they want to  
hear Forrest's voice. Well, needless to say, so do I! So now I'm in  
the realm of having to be a real writer and not just a secretary  
dictating the events of our life as I saw them. Now I have to learn  
how to write dialogue that represents this little person who mostly I  
can't remember (because that.s what happens when death takes someone  
that you love). The dialogue that I've already included is  
essentially verbatim. The bit that my writing friends are asking for  
comes from me using my imagination to recreate conversations that  
Forrest and I might have had. What I'm learning is that dialogue  
writing is an art form and I don't know how to do it.

Lots of questions come up: how can I make-up Forrest's words? Is that  
fair? If I make them up, are they true? Am I being honest? Can I  
possibly paint a picture of him in words? The nice thing that  
happens, though, is that I have to conjure him up to get the dialogue  
going. The need to include his voice is bringing him back to life  
inside of me. It's giving me a reason to dwell with him in my mind,  
and there's a lot of joy in that.

Here's an example: in one story, Peter, Forrest and I are in a toy  
store looking for something that we can use as part of a  
visualization exercise that I'm convinced will help cure Forrest's  
cancer. We tell him to look through the store and find the one thing  
that he really likes and that we will get it for him. Very quickly,  
he identifies an owl puppet that really floats his boat. So, I have  
to invent the conversation that might have happened after he's found  
the owl. When I ask him if owl is the toy he.d like to take home with  
him, would he answer "yes" or "yes!" or "sure" or "okay" or, would he  
just nod his head up and down? It's a challenge to figure this out to  
say the least. Every now and then I strike gold and I remember  
exactly what he would have said and those moments are wonderful for  
me. My hope is that in the end, all of his words will resonate as  
true for the people who knew him and also for the people who will be  
meeting him for the first time.

Another thing that has come up is that when I share some of my  
stories with my writing group, I'm reading to them as a mom whose son  
had cancer and who eventually died. Before I even start to read,  
they're preparing to be moved. So, since I'm more interested in  
knowing whether my writing of the stories is any good right now, I've  
decided that I need to read the stories as straightforwardly and  
unemotionally as I can. I try not to read to them as Forrest's mom  
but just as a neutral reader (which, of course, is impossible). In  
other words, at this stage of my writing, I want to make sure that  
the writing works for someone who knows nothing about me, or this  
story. I want to know that when a person picks up the book that they  
will start at the first page that they'll be drawn-in, that they'll  
finish the book, and that they'll feel good and full by the time  
they're done. That's asking a lot, but that's what I want.

So, I carry on. Being a writer suits me. I like the solitude. I like  
the focus that's required of me. I love thinking about it all of the  
time and having aha moments regularly. I find that writing words is  
easier on my ego than writing songs and that is a huge relief. I have  
been performing a lot, teaching a lot, and practicing the piano and  
guitar a lot, but I am enjoying the writing piece of my life very  
much too. Still not sure if there's a book to be published in the  
end, but there will be something and I'll get it together enough to  
share with you all eventually.

Thank you for being here for me. I hope that all is well where you  
are. I'm enjoying the spring that's blooming here. The irises are  
just sticking their necks out, and the daffodils are well on their way.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
Love,
Bar